it's hard not to think of the toddler that i took care of often when i started, who just came back in b/c he relapsed.
it's hard not to think of the 10-year-old who vomited all night and was in excruciating pain b/c his liver is 3x the size it should be and they can't figure out why he's having continual fevers.
it's hard to watch a baby go through transplant for the 3rd time in a last attempt to save his life.
it's hard to watch kids get horrible mucositis and GVH.
it's hard to watch the the girl my own age spend months in a hospital and tell me all she wants is to find a guy and have babies.
it's hard to watch a guy spend his 18th birthday in the hospital and beg the docs to let him go to prom for his senior year (that he missed most of).
it's hard to watch the parents of a dying child grieve and to hold that girl's hand 2 hours before she dies.
it's very very hard to go home and not think about all the kids i have grown to love sitting in that hospital bed or crib fighting for their life.
sometimes my job is just hard.
(just a side note - i'm not trying to be depressing or get anyone down or something. it just helps to get out my feelings somehow and write about stuff i see all the time. i'm sorry if it makes you sad; despite all this, good stuff does happen where i work! i'm just not writing about that in this post.)